he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
