i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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