RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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