You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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