My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
this just has baby written all over it
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Edward fifth and chaser hands
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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