I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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