Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Randomize
