don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
