How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
