he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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