are you so shy because you have an std?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Hippo gnu deer
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
