I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
