just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
