so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
