Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
