I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
