I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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