I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Soap is not a condiment
She said her name was "party"
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Randomize
