I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
