I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
