i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
