I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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