it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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