So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
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I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
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Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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