I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
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I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
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Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
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