capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
