If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Randomize
