I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
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