Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
