fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
