i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
