It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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