I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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