That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
