cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
