Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
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