Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Randomize
