Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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