Got a toothbrush?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize
