i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Randomize
