Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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