I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
