I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
