I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Randomize