I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
