ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
