I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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