If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
