I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
