im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
