Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Hippo gnu deer
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
