What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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