Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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