I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Randomize
