i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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