Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
